Who to Turn To
Shalom Bayit Journal
When couples are struggling, it is natural to reach out for help. Marriage can feel overwhelming, and most people want someone to listen, reassure them, or offer advice. Sometimes a trusted friend or family member can provide genuine wisdom and gently guide a couple toward healing.
In my experience, however, I have often seen the opposite.
When a marriage is struggling, turning to multiple friends or family members for advice can unintentionally make things worse. Every person brings their own experiences, beliefs, biases, and opinions into the conversation. While they may genuinely want to help, they are only hearing one side of the story at one moment in time.
Most struggling couples in the process of healing will experience many ups and downs. They complain, reconcile, become frustrated again, and slowly work through the difficult process of rebuilding. When those emotional moments are shared with people outside the marriage, those friends or family members are often left to interpret the relationship through a negative lens. Over time, those outside voices can make it harder to hear one another and easier to see everyone else's point of view.
Months later, after the relationship begins to heal, those same friends and family members who listened to every complaint may still struggle to see the spouse in a new positive light. While the couple has forgiven one another, those outside the marriage may continue carrying resentment. The negative moments we share with others often last much longer than they do between the couple, where a single positive moment can go a long way toward restoring forgiveness and compassion.
I often encourage couples to be intentional about who they invite to help them work on their marriage. Rather than seeking advice from many people, it is usually healthier to turn to one trusted source—a respected family member, a close friend with discretion, a rabbi or trusted community leader, a marriage coach, or a relationship therapist. The goal is to receive guidance that protects both the marriage and the people within it.
When we're hurting, validation often feels like relief, but validation isn't the same as wisdom.
Once we begin the pattern of complaining and sharing negative moments with friends and family, they may begin to see it as an invitation to speak their mind. In seeking support and validation, well-meaning friends and family can unintentionally fuel resentment rather than healing.
When trying to change old patterns with friends or family who are used to talking about the state of your marriage, it may be helpful to say something like, "We're working on it," "We're speaking
with our rabbi," "We're seeing a therapist," or, "We've decided to keep the details of our marriage between us while we work through them."
That simple boundary can become a powerful act of protection. It preserves the dignity of both partners, strengthens trust within the marriage, and allows friends and family to continue supporting both people rather than feeling pressured to take sides.