Getting Back to Us
Shalom Bayit Journal
One of the main goals of healing is getting back to what we once were.
When I sit with couples, I'll often ask them about the beginning of their relationship. Almost every time, they start smiling as they remember how they met. For a few minutes, they aren't talking about the problems anymore.
By the time many couples come to therapy, that feeling seems like it belongs to someone else. They know they used to feel close, but they can't remember the last time they actually felt that way.
Most people assume the answer is to solve the problems first. If we fix the communication, the finances, the parenting disagreements, or the family conflict, then we'll feel connected again.
More often, couples begin to heal when they start feeling connected again, even though many of those same problems have not completely gone away.
That's why I'll sometimes encourage a couple to go back to the beginning. Visit the place where you met, or go back to your favorite restaurant. Look through old pictures together. Tell the story of your first date. Talk about what first attracted you to one another. Remember the things you used to do simply because you enjoyed being together.
What's interesting is that they almost always come back saying the same thing, "We felt like ourselves again."
Nothing about their circumstances changed. What changed was their attitude toward each other.
Those moments don't erase the problems, but they often remind couples that there is more to their relationship than the problems. They remember that before the stress, the responsibilities, and the disappointments, there was friendship, excitement, and a genuine desire to be together. Those memories don't solve the conflict, but they can help restore the mindset needed to work through it.
This is one reason couples with a strong foundation often do well in therapy. They have something to return to. There was a time when they genuinely enjoyed each other, trusted each other, and felt like a team. Therapy is often about helping them find their way back to that place.
I've found that healing is usually less about solving every problem and more about helping a couple feel connected again. Once that happens, the problems often become easier to carry because they're facing them together instead of facing each other.