On ben Pelet and the Strength to Listen
Understanding the Torah and the Human Experience
When discussing the story of On ben Pelet, most of the attention is given to his wife.
And for good reason.
The Gemara praises her wisdom and credits her with saving her husband from Korach's rebellion. Her insight and actions ultimately preserved her family and saved On ben Pelet from sharing Korach's fate.
Yet there is another part of the story that often receives less attention.
On ben Pelet listened.
By the time his wife spoke to him, On was already involved in the rebellion. He had chosen a side. He had aligned himself with Korach. He had likely attended meetings, heard the arguments, and become emotionally invested in the cause.
At that point, changing his mind was not easy.
Most people do not struggle to admit they are wrong when they have little invested in a decision. The difficulty comes after we have publicly committed ourselves to a position.
Once our identity becomes attached to a belief, changing course can feel humiliating. We worry about appearing weak. We fear looking foolish. We become invested not only in being right, but in proving that we were right all along.
Psychology has long recognized this tendency. Once people commit themselves to a position, they often become more attached to it, even when evidence begins to point in another direction. We defend our decisions because they are ours.
Yet On ben Pelet did something many people struggle to do.
He listened.
He was willing to reconsider a position he had already committed himself to and entertain the possibility that he might be wrong.
That takes humility.
In many ways, this is one of the most important qualities I see in healthy relationships.
The couples who grow are not necessarily the couples who are always right. They are often the couples who remain teachable.
They can hear something uncomfortable without immediately becoming defensive. They can tolerate the possibility that their spouse sees something they do not. They remain curious long enough to consider another perspective.
Vulnerability means allowing ourselves to be open, influenced, and even potentially hurt by others. It means being willing to admit that someone else may have insight that we lack and accepting that changing our minds is not failure, but growth.
There is another fascinating aspect to this story.
Moshe did not immediately retaliate against Korach and his followers. Instead, he instructed them to return the next day with their firepans and offer ketoret before Boreh Olam.
On a practical level, the test would reveal whom Boreh Olam had chosen. Yet it also created something equally important: an opportunity to reconsider.
Throughout the Torah, Boreh Olam repeatedly gives people opportunities to change course before consequences arrive. The participants in Korach's rebellion received that opportunity as well. Korach, Datan and Aviram, the 250 men, and On ben Pelet were all given time to reconsider.
On ben Pelet was the one who did.
Perhaps this is one of the hidden lessons of the story.
The point of On ben Pelet is not that he never made a mistake. The point is that he was willing to reconsider one.
He had already chosen a side. He had already invested himself in the rebellion. Yet when wisdom was presented to him, he was humble enough to listen and strong enough to change direction.
One of the things I have learned from working with couples is that growth rarely happens unless someone is willing to be influenced. A person can learn communication skills, conflict resolution, and emotional regulation, but none of those matter if they believe they already know everything and have nothing left to learn.
Healthy relationships require humility.
The humility to consider that we may be missing something, the willingness to recognize that the person closest to us may see something that we do not, and the vulnerability to change course when we realize we may be wrong.
The wisdom of On ben Pelet's wife saved him. But her wisdom could only help because On ben Pelet was willing to hear it.
Torah Sources
- Bamidbar 16
- Talmud Bavli, Sanhedrin 109b (On ben Pelet and his wife)
- Mishlei 14:1 — "Chachmot Nashim Banta Beitah, V'Ivelet B'Yadah Teharsenu"
- Pirkei Avot 4:1 — Humility and wisdom
- Pirkei Avot 4:4 — "Me'od me'od hevei shefal ruach" ("Be exceedingly humble")
- Ramban to Bamidbar 16
- Midrash Tanchuma, Korach
Psychological Foundations
- Leon Festinger — why people become more committed to positions after investing in them
- Murray Bowen — influence within family relationships
- Carl Rogers — openness, growth, and teachability
- John Gottman — influence and accepting influence within healthy marriages
- Daniel Kahneman — commitment bias and decision-making
- Steven C. Hayes — psychological flexibility and openness to change